My Existence

News release found http://yhbt.mine.nu/pr/13, in which Dattebayo( DB ) is refusing to release their latest subtitled episode of the hugely popular Naruto anime series unless another anime they sub reached 50,000 unique downloads, citing the need to improve end of quarter earnings.  So…they make money on downloading of their subtitled episodes…interesting fact a whole lot of people just learned about them.

I find it amusing though, that they would present their ultimatum in the fashion in which they did, because that’s just what it is..a damn ultimatum!  The anime series they want people to download, has only once reached a total of just over 33,000 downloads..adding in all the other episodes released by them will give you a number barely over 60,000!

How does DB believe 50K unique downloads are going to happen on an anime that sucks?  The only information I could find on it was in japanese of course, so why would any non-reading / speaking japanese person have any incentive to download it when they don’t even know what it is about?  And then, why would they want to download an episode of an anime they haven’t seen before, with said episode not the first?

I don’t know what DB thinks they are doing, but a lot of people are going to be upset about this( like myself ) and will just find alternate sources.  There use to be other groups that would sub Naruto when it came out, but DB was the best so the other groups kinda caved and just gave in…maybe some will start returning now.

I hope so anyways, cause I don’t want to have to wait a week to watch the latest Naruto episode, but I will…am not going to be forced into wasting my bandwidth downloading something I have no interest in, especially when my one unique download isn’t going to help at all their goal of reaching 50k!!!

If I could learn how to subtitle the available RAW episode of Naruto, I would do just that…but it would take me months to understand and learn japanese and by then groups who have done this in the past will have already started doing it again, hopefully!

I recently got my vanity plate, and while some would certainly stress the VANITY part about my plate, those of you who know me..know just how well this plate fits me, and how much it means to me. 

http://www.images.inacurate.com/plate.jpg

I told her “If either of the cats have a mess, they are gone.”  Well, one of the cats had a mess, her response?

“Well it’s your fault for keeping the door shut.”  Wtf??  Does she have anything, anything at all going on upstairs other than the excuse maker?  I mean really, if my boss tells me to take care of something, and I get someone else to do it and they screw up…does that somehow make it not my fault, when it was my responsibility to get the job done?  No.

Are they my cats?  No.
Are they my responsibility?  No.
Am I supposed to tell her how to take care of them?  No.

So why, is it MY fault, when HER cats have a mess and she has no one to blame but herself.  And now she thinks I am joking when I say they are going with her, but I am serious.  She can take the cats with her when she goes up to house sit, or she can stay up there and not come back.  Make my life a hell of a lot simpler.

 Maybe I should be just like one of the guys at work, meeting up with someone while on the road and having some sex…would certainly be fun, eh?  And heck, since I already get yelled at for talking to females( for apparantly I can’t even talk to them at all ) I may as well get some enjoyment out of it.

Isn’t it fun being in a relationship that is going absolutely nowhere?  Deep down I have known it for a very long time, but I was hoping she would change if someone, namely me, helped her become a better person.  No more excuses, learning to do things for herself, actually standing up for herself instead of not.  Getting some self-confidence maybe, or some understanding of how to live a life.

At least, after these years she now has her license, finally.  And she is working to get a job, but she is still being lazy about it.  Sure, she has sent in applications and gone to interviews, but I don’t see her making phone calls, browsing online, maybe through a newspaper.  And it is always an excuse.

Hm, what a waste of a life.  My opinion, of course, but that is why this is here.  I know one fact:  If she didn’t have me, she wouldn’t be able to support herself by any means whatsoever.  So what exactly does that make her?  She doesn’t seem to understand, and no matter how often I try to show her - she always just makes an excuse, or argues, or just tells me to go away.  So amusing, humans.

wtf? you are wondering, yeah so am I, still.

Stolen from a friend who shall not be named, but thank you.  Interesting idea this window thing, not enough words to choose from, but I suppose there has to be a limit, right?

The first, positive things:  http://kevan.org/johari?name=Inacurate

The second, negative things: http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Inacurate

Please, do both..only takes a few moments to think about who I am and click a few buttons. 

Just a little something to take up some space, til I get this thing running smooth as silk.  Which may be never, but I will be sure to let you know, if that is the case.

Tonight, available for download and not airing in the US yet, the last episode of Stargate SG-1 has been aired.  It has been a very long, VERY good ten seasons for this series…and I don’t want it to end!!

It’s not the same anymore without Jack O’Neill( two L’s ) but it’s still the best ever!  I am going to miss this show so damn much.  You think I am funny, or childish or immature for saying that right?  Ten years…I have been watching this show for ten years of my life.

I was 17 when it first aired.  I still didn’t have my license, I was still in high school stealing glances at Briana, or having long conversations with Nicolle at lunch, and Michelle and Kara were still trying to make me laugh by tickling me.  I was still sleeping my way through classes, owning everyone on Tetris that we played on linked TI-83’s and TI-86’s.  My dad hadn’t kicked out my second “mother,” and I was still a virgin.

I grew up watching this show, grew up already dreaming about living that kind of life someday, obviously knowing it was all fake, but wishing…silently wishing for it to be real.

I plan on watching the last episode tomorrow when I get back from work, and you know what….

I will probably end up crying.  But I admit that freely, I know who I am and I have no fear of being embarrassed at a perfectly natural emotional response.  It doesn’t matter if the stimuli is fictional, after all….what is love but a feeling that may be brought on by lies?

That time of the month again…and just in time to catch me feeling alone, again. Wanted to talk to a friend tonight but she went to bed after getting home :\

Seems like there is no one to really “talk” to anymore, just the customary hellos and goodbyes with most people, and I would like so much more than that!

Last night I had the strangest feelings. I was sitting at my computer( like I do anything else.. ) and my chest/heart started pounding fast..my pulse was over 90 bpm which for me is way above my normal 55bpm…and I had a long shiver pass up and down my spine for a few minutes. I still don’t know what caused it….

Am going to go lie down in bed and think…may write again later today if I feel like it, but if someone actually checks my journal anymore, don’t hold your breath on a second update….not really in the mood.

I gots over a thousand dollars in my savings account, just kicks ass

Now to get my license and get out of my state for like a week! hehe..sounds good to me

..the month again, the 13th! Once a month, on the 13th is when I post now…so if anyone actually checks this thing daily( and I hope not, would mean I have disappointed ya ), start checking it on the 13th of each month now, lol..

Let’s see…what to talk about…hmm, not much happening in my life right now..going over the driving book so I can take my test soon ::blah::. I did have a pleasant evening/morning last night. Found some songs that I enjoy listening to and downloaded them, listened to them for a while..then ended up talking to a close friend of mine on the phone for like 3 hours Was nice talking to her, been ages!

Been playing less Counter-Strike than usual of late, though I’m doing much better, hehe. I have 6:1 kill ratio on my favorite server! Plus I’m ranked 1st ::chortles:: Gotta love that game…welp, off to watch TV and finish my salad….til the next 13th….

My favorite day of the year…Friday the 13th. The day I was born, Hrm..funny that, I hate my birthday…but I love Friday the 13th…what is up with that?

Anyhow…I don’t feel so good, both phyiscally and emotionally. Have been kinda distancing myself from almost everyone of late, and I don’t know why. I try not to, but it’s like a long dark hallway for me…I do it without even thinking..no turns to take anywhere in the hall.

It’s odd because for the longest time now I haven’t wanted to distance myself from anyone…I’ve been quite happy, and content..with the occasional bad day here and there. But this is like old times again….sometimes I just feel so cold inside towards everything, even when I don’t want to.

damn birthday…I still hate the thing. I’m 21 now(legal in all states), only one person has mentioned something about drinking so far, but it’s still early in the day…I’m sure others will say something about it.

So *NO* I’m not going out tonight and getting drunk, doesn’t appeal to me. Never will happen, ever.

..things are changing, for the better so far I will write more when I know exactly what to say, but I can say this right now…past few days I have been happy.

I just posted a moment ago, but here is what I’m going to do.

I’m going to Email/IM/ICQ a link to my journal to all my “friends”.

If your reading this now, then *I* consider you a close and dear friend(even though I may not act that way sometimes) and it would really really mean a lot to me if you replied to this somehow. Email me if you must, IM me if you can…something..please. Hell, post a comment on this website(if you do say who you are) if you want.

This will be the first time I’ve ever asked for anything that matters from anyone reading this. The first. But if you are reading this you know damn well what I would do for you to help you if you ever needed it. I would do anything.

And all I’m asking for, at the very least, is you tell me I’m not alone in this world and I do in fact have friends who care.

…such an unattainable thing for me. No matter where I turn, it’s nowhere to be found, nowhere.

What happened to the times when I could get online and play DragonRealms with friends, enjoy myself, have some fun and be happy?

Or play some RTS games with other online friends and enjoy out thinking my opponents and having fun games?

Or the times I could pick up a book and almost lose myself in it thoroughly as I read it?

…

Now when I enter DragonRealms, I seem ignored..unimportant. No one *talks* to me anymore, and I was always a good listener..never judging..always helping. No one wants to do anything fun, no one wants to even do anything…I’m not even asked anymore. I feel like walking my character.

RTS games mean little to me anymore, everyone wants to WINWINWIN..it’s pathetic. Very few players who I played with a while back have fun in “fun games.” All they care about is winning as fast as possible, which for some of them can be under 5 minutes. That’s not fun, that’s simply the need to win.

Books… I just finished “Shadow of the Hegemon” by Orson Scott Card last night. I couldn’t imerse myself into it, become the character like I use too. Feel what they are feeling, think like they are thinking. Too much stuff on my mind to even understand half the stuff in the book now. Very annoying since I enjoy reading so much.

I still feel alone, am alone by the looks of it. I thought I had friends who cared about me. Who might at least tell me I’m not alone. Maybe I’m crying out for help so subtly, none of them can see it?

I’m so pissed off at this very moment, have been for 3 days straight now. And I don’t get mad or angry easily. Let alone pissed off.

I feel like hurting myself.

Subject is a saying from Babylon 5, television show I like to watch…and damn does it phrase up how I’m feeling at the moment quite nicely.

I message “friends”, ask how they are doing…and it seems like all of them are giving me casual conversation and nothing more.

Quite annoying since being alone is the one thing I really don’t like…unless of course its me forcing the loneliness upon myself, and that’s another story.

But right now…not a soul is talking with me. Sure people are talking TO me, but not with me. Only person to actually talk with me since I got back to Florida was the one I least expected too.

I’m not sure if that is because she knows I’m concerned about how she is feeling from the death of her horse, or she was just in a good mood or something.

Either way I enjoyed talking with her again, brief as it may have been…better than anyone else has managed…I just hope she knows I’m here for her if she ever needs to talk.

On a good note, about the only one I have to think about, is while in Florida I bought a few things for myself that I’m happy about, and know I will enjoy them.

..but I get this feeling that I’m going to be told something in the near future from a close online friend that I’m not going to like.

Not sure what brings this on, but the feeling is just there.

Maybe I’m just thinking too much about stuff that is going on in my life right now and I’m preparing myself for the worst possible situation like I usually do.

I still plan on going to Florida with my family. My aunt is renting a car and we are all driving down there. Should be a long and interesting ride..but it just may be worth it all.

I might have a chance to meet an online friend of mine that I love very much as a friend. I have always wanted to give her a nice big hug, maybe now I’ll get the chance, I hope.

Yes, I’m still around…about all I can write about is, nothing. heh

Nothing worthwhile to say at this moment, about the only thing important is I may be going to Florida for 8 days on the 20th with my Aunt, mother, and cousins. I do look forward to it, may even enjoy it.

I was filling my cats feeding bowl, when he came over and began eating a few of the pieces of cat food that fell from the bag. Lifting a handful of his food from the bag into my cupped hand, I waved it in front of his face to try and entice him from eating from my hand. At first he didn't, but as I held my hand there on the ground..I think he understood what I was waiting for and began eating from my hand.

Most people might worry about being bitten, but he is my cat, he is King. He would no sooner bite me than I would hurt him..and all I could think about was that it kinda tickled when his whiskers brushed my wrist, his nose coming into contact with my fingers as he nibbled up on the food.

But it made me smile, it made me feel happy. Quite happy in fact. I wish all my friends, and all the people in the world would understand that it is the simple things in life that make people happy!

A thank you from the helped, a smile for the kind, and a hug for the appreciated.

And, so starts another day.

I sit here at my computer, listening to the few songs I like..as I think about going to bed and what it entails.

Dreading the start of another day, another day in which my question goes unanswered, my mind goes uncalmed. Another day in which my heart may open to another soul, feel their pain and their love with life. I dont really want that, Im hurt enough with the pain of friends as they lean on me…use me as the Shoulder to cry on, the Ear that listens, the Hand to guide, the Heart to heal, or the Mind to solve. Im burdened enough already, but yet no matter how much pain I feel through and with them…I will always help one in need.

So now Im going to leave, do my pushups/situps..and crawl into bed, all for

Another day.