My Existence

About me, of course!    What else did you expect?  You will love this one, for sure.
The past week or so I have run into the “Duh!” moment for myself that seems to be more frequent lately.  It seems to be popping up everywhere in my daily routine whether it be at work, home or out and about.  Every single time I run into this realization, I end up saying “Duh!” to myself and shaking my head.  Just seems like the average amount of these moments is increasing.

I’m just not sure if I am just being more of myself, or others around me are just falling below my expectations of them.  Quite annoyed.  Some people, always surprise me and while they may not meet my expectations, they fulfill them in other ways.  Others, just routinely disappoint and make me wonder if there is a serious disconnect with the rest of the general population and the others like myself.  Every now and then those who disappoint like clockwork can surprise you too, but in most cases after everything is said and down it came down to dumb luck or was just a coincidence, but these people have their moments too.  Just like I have my own moments where I fall below my own expectations, I have to admit.  If I were not to do that, I couldn’t take myself seriously when I run into these moments.  It’s one thing to think you are better than someone else.  It is quite another to really believe it.  And lastly, to know you are better than someone else really hits home sometimes.
Either way, to many times this past week I have bumped into this realization and honestly?  How annoyed would you be if you kept realizing how much more in tune, smarter, observant and in touch with reality you are compared to other people?

No bull, no bragging, not trying to have an ego.  It just seems to be one of those things, you know?  Think of me as Dr. Gregory House.  Extremely confident in the fact that when it comes to my mental abilities compared to another average person, I think I will come out on top almost every time.

It’s weird then, when I look at some of the things going on in my life right now and I appear to be in the loosing position.  I sometimes wonder if subconsciencly I make myself an underachiever on purpose - so I have to try that much harder to stay ahead or that I don’t completely blow the competition out of the water.

I would like very much one day to find someway to *really* test my mental aptitude, my ability to adapt and overcome, my reasoning and logic skills, and my insight into the human mind and what makes it tick.

Tomorrow though, I think I am just going to go into work and kick some ass!  I most certainly still have a LOT to learn at this job, I have been there just under a year and was honestly hoping I would know more than I do right now.  While I am disappointed I have not absorbed more knowledge, there really is a lot of information and I feel like I have taken in quite a lot.  I feel good also, since I am more of a person who can really shine when taking in information through data( reading books, notes, etc ) and the majority of information for this job is learned through doing, good ol hands on.  Not my personal choice, but that doesn’t really matter right?

I knew that going in, so I’m certainly not complaining about that fact.  I am complaining about myself though, I’m not sure if I have given 100% every day or not.  I always tend to hold myself back a little when entering new situations because I’m afraid I will annoy the wrong person, so I hold back some of my thoughts and slow myself down to stay with the pack and not stand out.  I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, or not even a thing but just something everyone does without even thinking about it?

Well I think about it, and honestly it bothers me.  It bothers me that I feel I have to hold myself back in fear of some sort of backlash or retaliation from another who doesn’t want to be shown up or simply have their complacent ways changed because that is just the way they are, which isn’t always a bad thing.  It bothers me more however, that while holding myself back I am not giving it my all and I could be doing so much more for my employer and maybe those very same people who are afraid of change or afraid of competition.

Fear not my Zeal; Fear how you Feel;

Don’t use Might; To prevent what’s Right;

Let us be One; Overcome we can;

All that Diminishes and Separates;

Feel my Zeal?  Feel the Fear?

Join with me; Together we can;

Overcome the Fear; As One.

Been a very long time since I scratched out anything that could closely resemble poetry…….I obviously still need practice!  LOL

Life is all about choices.  Every day, every hour, every minute, every second.  Life throws choices at us.  Some, are out of our control.  Others, and most of them, come up based on choices we have made in the past.  Whether that past be five years, or five seconds.

Choices like what to have for breakfast are mundane and of our own choosing.  The only complication that can arise when having to make that choice is if you have nothing to eat!  Follow me for a moment:  So now you have to stop at say Dunkin Donuts to grab a bagel and coffee, but you get stuck in line and arrive at work late by ten minutes and your boss writes you up, or because you are late by even ten minutes hours and hours or hundreds of company dollars are lost or wasted.

So why would you have nothing to eat?  If you made the choice not to buy food.  Oh, you didn’t have time you say?  Why not?  Had to stay late at work to finish something?  Why is that, and answer honestly!  Are you actually overworked, or did you have the time but choose to procrastinate a bit during the work day?  Busy talking to a cute guy or gal?  Surfing the internet a little to much?  Those are a choice, are they not?
And that choice made you late for work.  Now, the scenario I just described may seem minor to some of you, or it may be important.  But I want you to ignore the actual scenario and focus on what happened.  How can you do that without looking at the situation you ask?  Simple, don’t focus on the actual events but how those events unfolded and shaped as one choice led to another and your choices of action were thus limited by the previous choice.

Had you not procrastinated at work the previous day, you would have had the time to go to the store and buy food, your breakfast for the next morning.  That would have meant you didn’t have to stop at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, and thereby would not have been late for work!

Choices, are what I believe are tests.  Fate likes to play games with us, and when you make the wrong choice it may not always be obvious to you immediately.  Who knows how long that one simple choice may lay dormant, seemingly inconspicuous, and then out of nowhere come back to haunt you?

The best way to avoid problems that crop up from your choices, is to plan.  Plan everything, think about everything constantly and always be exploring your options.  Never rule anything out, even if it is something you think will NEVER in a million years happen, at least THINK about it.  Make the conscience effort, dedicate some time to seeing what could happen, what choices could be made and how they could affect you.  At least if that impossible event occurs, you have spent some time debating it and any snap or rash decision you make, will be affected by how much thought you have put into it.

I go through life everyday wondering and pondering.  I also have a very active mind that races around at light speed.  I can’t get it to sit still for anything.  This gives me ample opportunity to think about a whole slew of things during the work day….while still getting the job done and just as proficient as the next person.  Sometimes more so, because of how my entire life, including my professional one, revolves around making choices and planning ahead, being prepared for as many unusual, surprising or last minute things that may happen.

I am able to adapt to all sorts of situations very quickly, and because I thrive on information, being a “know-it-all” and just curious by nature, I usually have an idea of what is going on, or at least I have enough information to be able to figure out what is going on or needed in a given situation.  It is one of the traits about myself that I both love and hate.  I love it because I feel once an employer realizes the kind of potential I have, I become a valued asset to them.  I hate it because, up until my potential is realized, my actions can be misconstrued as…nosy or not minding my own business.

People dislike when someone THEY feel doesn’t need to know information, does.  Personally,unless the information is confidential…..why exactly does it matter who knows what?  If someone is interested in knowing more about an operation or a process, why get all annoyed if you find out they know about it?  Does it hurt YOU for them to know?  Does it make them more important?  Does it make you less important?  If you answered yes to any of those, you need to think about what really matters.  Why does what someone else knows, affect you at all?  As long as you do your job to the best of your ability, don’t worry about it!

Well, this has certainly evolved a little past choices, eh?  And I am not ranting about anything, nothing “happened” at work or anything like that.  I just went off on a tangent for no reason, and because I have had people get annoyed in the past, for no good reason at all…..

Well, off to bed for me!  Good night all, if anyone was bored enough to read all this…please, I welcome feedback!

I have had three instances in the past two days that make me wonder.  I have always wondered, I have to many instances of deja vu, to many guesses at things that come true..I gotta be psychic to some extent.

The first:  I’m at work Friday and I am having a conversation with the office manager.  She is sitting to my left at one of the two computers in the office, I am at the other.  I look over when she starts talking and I get an image of having done this before.  She keeps talking and then the conversation starts coming to my mind.  Soon enough, I remember the entire conversation and everything she says and all my responses.  Then when the phone rings and she goes to get it, I say who it is and when she answers it…it’s him.

The second:  Earlier today my girlfriend asks if I know who Disney just signed, I simply spit out “Stan Lee” and she looks at me like I have two heads asking “How did you know?”

The third:  Twenty minutes ago when we were watching Apocalypto, and near the end of the movie the main character is kneeling on the beach with two people chasing him.  They have all stopped and are just staring at something off camera, I say “Unless they are looking at a Spanish armada, what the hell are they doing?”  The camera pans, and you see four boats bearing white sails with red crosses in the harbor.  And three smaller boats with men wearing Spanish armor rowing towards shore.

I suppose I could just…like, figure these things out on some subconscious level without actually thinking about them?  But that would mean I have some insane reaction time mentally speaking.  Or that during my day I hear or see these things outside my immediate attention span..you know background chatter or noise you can hear but can’t understand for example, and my mind understands them and then later on I just am in a position where that information is relevant?

I don’t know….I just know I got something going on.

wtf? you are wondering, yeah so am I, still.

Stolen from a friend who shall not be named, but thank you.  Interesting idea this window thing, not enough words to choose from, but I suppose there has to be a limit, right?

The first, positive things:  http://kevan.org/johari?name=Inacurate

The second, negative things: http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Inacurate

Please, do both..only takes a few moments to think about who I am and click a few buttons. 

That time of the month again…and just in time to catch me feeling alone, again. Wanted to talk to a friend tonight but she went to bed after getting home :\

Seems like there is no one to really “talk” to anymore, just the customary hellos and goodbyes with most people, and I would like so much more than that!

Last night I had the strangest feelings. I was sitting at my computer( like I do anything else.. ) and my chest/heart started pounding fast..my pulse was over 90 bpm which for me is way above my normal 55bpm…and I had a long shiver pass up and down my spine for a few minutes. I still don’t know what caused it….

Am going to go lie down in bed and think…may write again later today if I feel like it, but if someone actually checks my journal anymore, don’t hold your breath on a second update….not really in the mood.

My favorite day of the year…Friday the 13th. The day I was born, Hrm..funny that, I hate my birthday…but I love Friday the 13th…what is up with that?

Anyhow…I don’t feel so good, both phyiscally and emotionally. Have been kinda distancing myself from almost everyone of late, and I don’t know why. I try not to, but it’s like a long dark hallway for me…I do it without even thinking..no turns to take anywhere in the hall.

It’s odd because for the longest time now I haven’t wanted to distance myself from anyone…I’ve been quite happy, and content..with the occasional bad day here and there. But this is like old times again….sometimes I just feel so cold inside towards everything, even when I don’t want to.

…such an unattainable thing for me. No matter where I turn, it’s nowhere to be found, nowhere.

What happened to the times when I could get online and play DragonRealms with friends, enjoy myself, have some fun and be happy?

Or play some RTS games with other online friends and enjoy out thinking my opponents and having fun games?

Or the times I could pick up a book and almost lose myself in it thoroughly as I read it?

…

Now when I enter DragonRealms, I seem ignored..unimportant. No one *talks* to me anymore, and I was always a good listener..never judging..always helping. No one wants to do anything fun, no one wants to even do anything…I’m not even asked anymore. I feel like walking my character.

RTS games mean little to me anymore, everyone wants to WINWINWIN..it’s pathetic. Very few players who I played with a while back have fun in “fun games.” All they care about is winning as fast as possible, which for some of them can be under 5 minutes. That’s not fun, that’s simply the need to win.

Books… I just finished “Shadow of the Hegemon” by Orson Scott Card last night. I couldn’t imerse myself into it, become the character like I use too. Feel what they are feeling, think like they are thinking. Too much stuff on my mind to even understand half the stuff in the book now. Very annoying since I enjoy reading so much.

I still feel alone, am alone by the looks of it. I thought I had friends who cared about me. Who might at least tell me I’m not alone. Maybe I’m crying out for help so subtly, none of them can see it?

I’m so pissed off at this very moment, have been for 3 days straight now. And I don’t get mad or angry easily. Let alone pissed off.

I feel like hurting myself.

I was filling my cats feeding bowl, when he came over and began eating a few of the pieces of cat food that fell from the bag. Lifting a handful of his food from the bag into my cupped hand, I waved it in front of his face to try and entice him from eating from my hand. At first he didn't, but as I held my hand there on the ground..I think he understood what I was waiting for and began eating from my hand.

Most people might worry about being bitten, but he is my cat, he is King. He would no sooner bite me than I would hurt him..and all I could think about was that it kinda tickled when his whiskers brushed my wrist, his nose coming into contact with my fingers as he nibbled up on the food.

But it made me smile, it made me feel happy. Quite happy in fact. I wish all my friends, and all the people in the world would understand that it is the simple things in life that make people happy!

A thank you from the helped, a smile for the kind, and a hug for the appreciated.

And, so starts another day.