My Existence

Life is all about choices.  Every day, every hour, every minute, every second.  Life throws choices at us.  Some, are out of our control.  Others, and most of them, come up based on choices we have made in the past.  Whether that past be five years, or five seconds.

Choices like what to have for breakfast are mundane and of our own choosing.  The only complication that can arise when having to make that choice is if you have nothing to eat!  Follow me for a moment:  So now you have to stop at say Dunkin Donuts to grab a bagel and coffee, but you get stuck in line and arrive at work late by ten minutes and your boss writes you up, or because you are late by even ten minutes hours and hours or hundreds of company dollars are lost or wasted.

So why would you have nothing to eat?  If you made the choice not to buy food.  Oh, you didn’t have time you say?  Why not?  Had to stay late at work to finish something?  Why is that, and answer honestly!  Are you actually overworked, or did you have the time but choose to procrastinate a bit during the work day?  Busy talking to a cute guy or gal?  Surfing the internet a little to much?  Those are a choice, are they not?
And that choice made you late for work.  Now, the scenario I just described may seem minor to some of you, or it may be important.  But I want you to ignore the actual scenario and focus on what happened.  How can you do that without looking at the situation you ask?  Simple, don’t focus on the actual events but how those events unfolded and shaped as one choice led to another and your choices of action were thus limited by the previous choice.

Had you not procrastinated at work the previous day, you would have had the time to go to the store and buy food, your breakfast for the next morning.  That would have meant you didn’t have to stop at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, and thereby would not have been late for work!

Choices, are what I believe are tests.  Fate likes to play games with us, and when you make the wrong choice it may not always be obvious to you immediately.  Who knows how long that one simple choice may lay dormant, seemingly inconspicuous, and then out of nowhere come back to haunt you?

The best way to avoid problems that crop up from your choices, is to plan.  Plan everything, think about everything constantly and always be exploring your options.  Never rule anything out, even if it is something you think will NEVER in a million years happen, at least THINK about it.  Make the conscience effort, dedicate some time to seeing what could happen, what choices could be made and how they could affect you.  At least if that impossible event occurs, you have spent some time debating it and any snap or rash decision you make, will be affected by how much thought you have put into it.

I go through life everyday wondering and pondering.  I also have a very active mind that races around at light speed.  I can’t get it to sit still for anything.  This gives me ample opportunity to think about a whole slew of things during the work day….while still getting the job done and just as proficient as the next person.  Sometimes more so, because of how my entire life, including my professional one, revolves around making choices and planning ahead, being prepared for as many unusual, surprising or last minute things that may happen.

I am able to adapt to all sorts of situations very quickly, and because I thrive on information, being a “know-it-all” and just curious by nature, I usually have an idea of what is going on, or at least I have enough information to be able to figure out what is going on or needed in a given situation.  It is one of the traits about myself that I both love and hate.  I love it because I feel once an employer realizes the kind of potential I have, I become a valued asset to them.  I hate it because, up until my potential is realized, my actions can be misconstrued as…nosy or not minding my own business.

People dislike when someone THEY feel doesn’t need to know information, does.  Personally,unless the information is confidential…..why exactly does it matter who knows what?  If someone is interested in knowing more about an operation or a process, why get all annoyed if you find out they know about it?  Does it hurt YOU for them to know?  Does it make them more important?  Does it make you less important?  If you answered yes to any of those, you need to think about what really matters.  Why does what someone else knows, affect you at all?  As long as you do your job to the best of your ability, don’t worry about it!

Well, this has certainly evolved a little past choices, eh?  And I am not ranting about anything, nothing “happened” at work or anything like that.  I just went off on a tangent for no reason, and because I have had people get annoyed in the past, for no good reason at all…..

Well, off to bed for me!  Good night all, if anyone was bored enough to read all this…please, I welcome feedback!

It’s REALISTIC!  As much as a fantasy movie can be, anyway.

A lot of people are citing bad directing, script, etc.  Apparantly the original draft or something along those lines got leaked, but was changed to the movie that was actually released.  I haven’t read it, could it have been better?  Possibly, who cares?  The movie I just saw was decently put together.

You connected with the characters, you felt their emotions and pain.  I laughed up until the point I was suppose to, and then I felt the drama I was meant to.

Unfortunately, this movie is hurt by the same thing ALL comedies are - the best parts are shown in trailers.  Hancock is sadly no different in that respect, but it is one hell of a good movie!

I highly recommend this movie, but don’t go expecting a straight comedy from start to finish.  Much like Iron-Man, and many good movies of this day, they shake things up a bit and I think that is how things should be!

19 years.  Movies were different, so were our views on them.  The latest installment of Indian Jones, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, tries hard to bring back the nostalgic feeling of an adventure flick in a time where CGI is everything, and explaining plot is a must!  While there were no “How did the villains know that or get there!?” scenes some of the action scenes, while entertaining and most certainly following Indies footsteps, were a stretch and full of the usual “How could they miss!” comments - Something we tell ourselves we HAVE to accept, but in reality could have been done better, a bit more realistic.

I thought it was an enjoyable movie, I felt like I was watching a new age old age Indian Jones and though not perfect, it was carried over decent enough to be able to overlook the few mistakes and accept the usual things you need to accept, just cause you gotta!

It’s a feeling I find myself feeling more and more lately.  I don’t know where I am going in life, what I am doing.  I am floating in space with vast blackness all around me, feeling cold and alone.  I have plenty of air to breathe, but each breath comes with more of a struggle than the last.  I wish the last breath was it sometimes, I wish I would not take another.  I want to force myself to not.

What am I doing?  Where am I doing?  Who am I?  Is this everything I want in life?  Is this all I want to amount to in this world?  Have I achieved my greatest potential?  Have I maxed out what I can learn?  What have I left to offer this existence?  Can I better myself?  Can I be a better person?

I feel the last question is the only one I can answer.  And that answer is no.  But is that a good or a bad thing?  I find myself making the decision that is always ultimately better for the other person than myself.  I want to help people, genuinely and honestly.  I don’t want people to suffer, even a total stranger and if I can do anything in my power to save them even a moments pain - I want to be able to do that!  So why would I ask if that is a bad thing?

Well when it comes to defining myself and what I live by, it is the worst possible thing I can say about myself.  I live to help others in every aspect of life.  I always help them, but I never help me.  As far as I am concerned, that is the best person I can be.  Which means I have reached my potential in that regards.  With the amount of empathy I have, that means I am unable to improve, unable to do any better.  I have no reason to reach further because I have reached as far as I am able, as far as I feel anyone is able.  I strive to become a better person and I did, so much in fact I can strive no further.  I can not become better, I can not improve.  I have a hard to accepting that.  It makes me wander, lost with no direction at all, no purpose.

Yet I take another breath each time.  I must have some purpose left, deep down I must known I have some goal yet filled.  Something to live for.  Breath for.  Strive for?

My phone rang 1t 12:23pm today, didn’t recognize the number but I always answer regardless.

The man speaking identified himself as a Comcast Rep, and went on to explain that my account is using excessive bandwidth, and that I must *drastically* decrease usage or my service was going to be terminated for a period of one year, without further warning, if I was to show up on their list again.

 I played dumb of course, something you all know I am not, and asked exactly how much bandwidth he was talking about.  Apparently I used 413GB last month.  That’s quite a lot, I have to say.  I asked how that was possible, saying I know I download a lot of game demos, videos from youtube, netflix ondemand along with heavy internet browsing and gaming, but 413GB is an awful lot of data.  He asked if I had a wireless router, which I do( but is secured ).  He said someone could be connecting to it without my knowledge and using bandwidth that could account for that total.

 I asked what I should do, and his answer was “Contact your router manufacturer and inquire with them how to make your wireless connection secure.”  And without hesitating, repeated that if I did not drastically reduce my bandwidth usage, my account would be terminated for one year.  Nevermind the fact that if someone was really using my connection, they should be traced and tracked down and action taken against them.  Didn’t want want to discuss that subject.

Moving on, I asked what was the limit.  He said there was no hard limit, but that they run a report that identifies the top 1% of high usage customers, and then the top 1% of those customers, and these are the people who get these phone calls.  I said they should impose limits if they are going to the extent of terminating services based on usage, and he said it varies by region so they can’t impose hard limits because usage changes each month.

 Telling him I have heard of other people complain about these invisible limits, he once again rattled off the report speal and that only those customers get these phone calls.  I then said I will glady switch to FioS if my service gets terminated, as will a lot of other people when the service becomes available in their area, and hung up on him.

 Now, I do a LOT of torrenting.  No movies, a game here and there which I end up buying for multi-player if I like it enough.  Most of the items I download, are television shows.  Running some numbers, I have downloaded at least 60+ TV episodes in the month of November.  More, because I delete the torrents after a while.  And have uploaded back at least 80% of what I have downloaded.  So say 75 shows, at 1.07GB a piece with 80% shared back gives a little under 150GB.  Throw in the half dozen games shared closer to 100% back, roughly 6-8GB a piece these days( crazy! ) and I have around 250GB of usage.

 Add in the GF and the other roomate, both who download a lot of fan made anime videos, and both also torrent TV shows and I can see how they got that number.    Between the two of them, I am sure they use around 150GB a month.

I can’t wait for FioS and it’s claimed “unlimited” usage policy.    Though I have no issues with Comcast, and will certainly admit I am a heavy bandwidth user - if they can’t give me a limit to adbide by for fear of other people rising their usage to meet the limit so they dont waste money, then Comcast doesnt deserve to be in the business of being an ISP.  No current ISP should be allowed to oversell their services.  It would be like an airliner selling 400 tickets for a 350 seat flight, then having upset customers who get there and find out their seat was taken…oh wait, that happens!

We live in a stupid, morally corrupt, only here to make money corporate society.  until people stand up for their rights and say they have had enough, we will only continue to be walked over and stolen from.

So I gave my girlfriend a deadline on getting a job just about three months ago.  Yeah, I know right…finally!  Will be four years this June that we have been together, and she hasn’t held a job in that ENTIRE period.  No income, only expenditure.

 She calls me an asshole for pushing her to get a job, I don’t quite understand that response.  Isn’t having a job a good thing?  You make money, so you can spend it.  Pay your bills, support yourself through life without having to depend on others around you.  I think it is a good thing to support ones own self, not relying on others.  Be able to buy the things I want, when I want.

So it makes me wonder about these individuals who want to be a burden on others, dependant, a drain on society.  Why do they not understand the importance of an income?  Is it how they are raised by their parents?  Not taught the necessity and value of hard earned money?  The responsibility of keeping money, spending it wisely to live?

I live with a female who HAS worked in her life…but not at a serious job.  Most of the jobs she had were to buy the things she wants.  She has never had to worry about paying bills.  All was taken care of by her parents.  The house, the internet, the food, the transportation.  She never wanted in her life, only demanded things and I think her parents always gave them to her without question, without lessons.

So now I live with this person, who has had the past three months to get a job since I decided to stop punishing myself.  She has until my birthday to do such, which leaves her with 19 days left.  She thought I was joking the first two months, isn’t that pathetic?  You live with someone for almost four years and you can’t tell when they are being serious?  I explained to her what she needed to do, and that I would take no excuses.  None, period.  If she was without job by the end of my birth day, she would find herself without a place to live.  She would have to move out by the end of the month.

She has 19 days left.  I must say, I am getting excited about the prospect of being single again.  I feel my life would be a heck of a lot easier.  No one else to worry about, I don’t have to listen to someone nag me, I don’t have to take responsibility for anyone but myself.  It’s not even about being single so I can find another person, I think if her and I break up I am not going to get attached to another again.  No commitment sex?  Sure!  Live together?  Say “I love you?”  No.

 I just want to come home from my job and play video games.  That’s what makes me happy. 

Recently, within the past week, got back in touch with someone I went to high school with.  Briana Dabek.  Wow, brings back memories.  She use to draw on my arm in physics class.  The action was so pure, so innocent…I loved it.  It made me look forward to seeing her!!  I never did tell her how I felt about her, just a simple high school crush right?
Well I did right out of the gate almost!!  I can’t believe I did that after all the years I have spent building my invisible walls and barriers.  She didn’t even respond to my comment, but that is ok.  The last thing I need right now is to be distracted by..well, by as far as I was concerned, the BEST looking lady in high school.  Sure, people can DRESS sexy..but she WAS sexy!  I just always thought she had this glow about her, a wonderful smile and of course a great figure.  A great personality, what little I knew about it.  I always wanted to know more.
Wonder what she looks like now?  Of course why does it matter to me?  I wouldn’t stand a chance with a lady like that, am to nerdy….to geeky, LOL.  And oh yeah, I have a GF, too.  That might have something to do with it, haha.  :\  Of course, if I didn’t….ah who knows?

Only thing I know?  It was a pure pleasure to speak with her!  The not fun part?  Knowing what is out there that I could be missing….. whether it could be with her, or another.  Just knowing there is better than the one I am currently with makes it hard on me, but that is my fault for staying with her….

This year was the first time I participated in the American tradition of “Black Friday.” BestBuy was advertising ATi 512MB x1600 Pro’s for $99.99, a drop in price of over $100.  Great deal.  They were also advertising Seagate 250GB HDDs for $59.99, a drop in price of over $70.  Another great deal.  I ended up picking up both.

When I originally got to the parking lot, it was of course an absolute mad house.  At 0525, when I first drove by the end of the line was from the main entrance to the corner of the building, but was moving forward slowly.  So I wouldn’t have been surprised to have seen it wrap around the building before the doors opened, the corner of the building was at least 70 feet away at this time.  It took me barely three minutes to find a parking spot.  I have such great luck with that, always have.  I can pull into the mall at any time during holiday season and have a parking spot in minutes.  Other people drive around for a lot longer before they get one.

So I get to the back of the line, which is now maybe 80 feet from the corner of the building and start inching towards the doors.  About five minutes later I am the second person in line and I can peek inside….you see nothing but one huge jumbled mass of bodies moving.  One BB employee is standing on the security counter( OSHA anyone? ) trying to guesstimate how many more people to let in.  He turns around to the door and says “Let another 20 people in, then no more for at least 10-15 minutes”  My luck was certainly going good today.

So as I am walking through the double door entrance, I am thinking to myself..they all gotta be gone, it is is just past 0530, they all gotta be gone.  I start walking towards the Computer section and see a table with a number of people around it.  On the table I see the video cards, both AGP and PCI-e.  Right next to the hard drivers.  A quite a number of everything.  My luck is still holding it seems.  I scamper on over, snatch up both a video card and a HDD, and start looking for the DVDs they had advertised.  100 pack of DVDs for 4.99.  Not in sight, so I glide on over to the media section, not five feet away and there are none left anywhere.  Annoyed, cause that was the best deal out of everything I wanted, I start towards the register knowing to get in line ASAP and bump into an employee who I know from being in there so much.  I ask him about the DVDs and he says they had 100 of them, but they went fast.  I asked if there was any limit on per person and he says nope, and I say “Ah.” and he was like “Yup.”

So a few people prolly bought like five or ten bundles at a time, what a bummer.  I know that while I was in line, I saw a few people carrying two or three of them.  Speaking of the line here is my quick drawing of it!  I got in line when it was only four or five lines deep.  By the time I reached the last straight away towards the beginning of it, the line was half-way down the length of the building, snaking through Appliances, Washers, Driers, and just reaching Car Audio.  It was a LONG line.  Took about 20 minutes for me to be checked out, and I was at work at 0607.

So, my first foray into the big bag beast of Black Friday, and I got almost all that I wanted.  Not complaining anyways, my car wasn’t hit, I wasn’t run over nor was I shot or stabbed…gotta call that a good day!  Anyways, off to install my new HDD and video card.  Was thinking of selling one or both items on ebay, but the HDD and card, just aren’t selling…can’t imagine why! 

I have a long standing rule of having never, and will never buy flowers - for anyone.  I can see picking them for a special someone, but I will not spent money on something that dies, or is FAKE!  My girlfriend knows this, and of course isn’t happy with it because she wants flowers.  Apparently, the single act of buying a female flowers means you love them.  So I could buy flowers, and while handing them to her say “I don’t love you.” and be all set, right?

My question:  Why?  What exactly do flowers do other than sit there, smell nice *only* when extremely close, and then die in a very short while?  I am told by many ladies, that it is the thought that counts.  Well, then how come I can’t just think it and be done with it?  Obviously, it is NOT just the thought that counts or I could very easily say “I thought about getting you flowers today.”

That of course, wouldn’t go over well, because it isn’t just the thought that counts.  I got flowers from work yesterday, anytime there is a destroy order on a package, it usually gets opened and if there is something inside people want, they are allowed to take it in most cases.  Well, yesterday one of those came through for an order of flowers.  I asked if I could have a few for my girlfriend, was told yes.  I won’t buy them, but I am not opposed to getting some free ones.

Bring them into her, and what do I get?  Not a thank you, or a hug, or anything showing appreciation or gratitude, but a “Where did you get those from, someone else?”  I stand there for a moment, sigh my famous sigh and simply say “You know, pretty soon you are going to be living on the streets.” I walk over to the sink, crush the flowers in my hand and let them sit in the sink.

A few minutes later I am in my room, I hear the sink turning on and she is doing some dishes and offering to make me dinner.  Funny how the need to threaten her gets her motivated into doing SOMETHING other than sitting there playing video games or watching movies.  I don’t mind supporting her, but when I come home I don’t want to be bothered by having to take out the trash or doing any dishes, or nothing.

And I certainly don’t want that kind of attitude or response from her when I do something nice for her.  At the rate I get accused of being with other ladies, I may as well be so I’m not missing out on any fun in the meantime.  Cause I sure as hell am not getting anything from her.

I recently got my vanity plate, and while some would certainly stress the VANITY part about my plate, those of you who know me..know just how well this plate fits me, and how much it means to me. 

http://www.images.inacurate.com/plate.jpg

I told her “If either of the cats have a mess, they are gone.”  Well, one of the cats had a mess, her response?

“Well it’s your fault for keeping the door shut.”  Wtf??  Does she have anything, anything at all going on upstairs other than the excuse maker?  I mean really, if my boss tells me to take care of something, and I get someone else to do it and they screw up…does that somehow make it not my fault, when it was my responsibility to get the job done?  No.

Are they my cats?  No.
Are they my responsibility?  No.
Am I supposed to tell her how to take care of them?  No.

So why, is it MY fault, when HER cats have a mess and she has no one to blame but herself.  And now she thinks I am joking when I say they are going with her, but I am serious.  She can take the cats with her when she goes up to house sit, or she can stay up there and not come back.  Make my life a hell of a lot simpler.

 Maybe I should be just like one of the guys at work, meeting up with someone while on the road and having some sex…would certainly be fun, eh?  And heck, since I already get yelled at for talking to females( for apparantly I can’t even talk to them at all ) I may as well get some enjoyment out of it.

Isn’t it fun being in a relationship that is going absolutely nowhere?  Deep down I have known it for a very long time, but I was hoping she would change if someone, namely me, helped her become a better person.  No more excuses, learning to do things for herself, actually standing up for herself instead of not.  Getting some self-confidence maybe, or some understanding of how to live a life.

At least, after these years she now has her license, finally.  And she is working to get a job, but she is still being lazy about it.  Sure, she has sent in applications and gone to interviews, but I don’t see her making phone calls, browsing online, maybe through a newspaper.  And it is always an excuse.

Hm, what a waste of a life.  My opinion, of course, but that is why this is here.  I know one fact:  If she didn’t have me, she wouldn’t be able to support herself by any means whatsoever.  So what exactly does that make her?  She doesn’t seem to understand, and no matter how often I try to show her - she always just makes an excuse, or argues, or just tells me to go away.  So amusing, humans.

Just a little something to take up some space, til I get this thing running smooth as silk.  Which may be never, but I will be sure to let you know, if that is the case.

I gots over a thousand dollars in my savings account, just kicks ass

Now to get my license and get out of my state for like a week! hehe..sounds good to me

..the month again, the 13th! Once a month, on the 13th is when I post now…so if anyone actually checks this thing daily( and I hope not, would mean I have disappointed ya ), start checking it on the 13th of each month now, lol..

Let’s see…what to talk about…hmm, not much happening in my life right now..going over the driving book so I can take my test soon ::blah::. I did have a pleasant evening/morning last night. Found some songs that I enjoy listening to and downloaded them, listened to them for a while..then ended up talking to a close friend of mine on the phone for like 3 hours Was nice talking to her, been ages!

Been playing less Counter-Strike than usual of late, though I’m doing much better, hehe. I have 6:1 kill ratio on my favorite server! Plus I’m ranked 1st ::chortles:: Gotta love that game…welp, off to watch TV and finish my salad….til the next 13th….

damn birthday…I still hate the thing. I’m 21 now(legal in all states), only one person has mentioned something about drinking so far, but it’s still early in the day…I’m sure others will say something about it.

So *NO* I’m not going out tonight and getting drunk, doesn’t appeal to me. Never will happen, ever.

..things are changing, for the better so far I will write more when I know exactly what to say, but I can say this right now…past few days I have been happy.

I just posted a moment ago, but here is what I’m going to do.

I’m going to Email/IM/ICQ a link to my journal to all my “friends”.

If your reading this now, then *I* consider you a close and dear friend(even though I may not act that way sometimes) and it would really really mean a lot to me if you replied to this somehow. Email me if you must, IM me if you can…something..please. Hell, post a comment on this website(if you do say who you are) if you want.

This will be the first time I’ve ever asked for anything that matters from anyone reading this. The first. But if you are reading this you know damn well what I would do for you to help you if you ever needed it. I would do anything.

And all I’m asking for, at the very least, is you tell me I’m not alone in this world and I do in fact have friends who care.

Subject is a saying from Babylon 5, television show I like to watch…and damn does it phrase up how I’m feeling at the moment quite nicely.

I message “friends”, ask how they are doing…and it seems like all of them are giving me casual conversation and nothing more.

Quite annoying since being alone is the one thing I really don’t like…unless of course its me forcing the loneliness upon myself, and that’s another story.

But right now…not a soul is talking with me. Sure people are talking TO me, but not with me. Only person to actually talk with me since I got back to Florida was the one I least expected too.

I’m not sure if that is because she knows I’m concerned about how she is feeling from the death of her horse, or she was just in a good mood or something.

Either way I enjoyed talking with her again, brief as it may have been…better than anyone else has managed…I just hope she knows I’m here for her if she ever needs to talk.

On a good note, about the only one I have to think about, is while in Florida I bought a few things for myself that I’m happy about, and know I will enjoy them.

..but I get this feeling that I’m going to be told something in the near future from a close online friend that I’m not going to like.

Not sure what brings this on, but the feeling is just there.

Maybe I’m just thinking too much about stuff that is going on in my life right now and I’m preparing myself for the worst possible situation like I usually do.

I still plan on going to Florida with my family. My aunt is renting a car and we are all driving down there. Should be a long and interesting ride..but it just may be worth it all.

I might have a chance to meet an online friend of mine that I love very much as a friend. I have always wanted to give her a nice big hug, maybe now I’ll get the chance, I hope.