My Existence

About me, of course!    What else did you expect?  You will love this one, for sure.
The past week or so I have run into the “Duh!” moment for myself that seems to be more frequent lately.  It seems to be popping up everywhere in my daily routine whether it be at work, home or out and about.  Every single time I run into this realization, I end up saying “Duh!” to myself and shaking my head.  Just seems like the average amount of these moments is increasing.

I’m just not sure if I am just being more of myself, or others around me are just falling below my expectations of them.  Quite annoyed.  Some people, always surprise me and while they may not meet my expectations, they fulfill them in other ways.  Others, just routinely disappoint and make me wonder if there is a serious disconnect with the rest of the general population and the others like myself.  Every now and then those who disappoint like clockwork can surprise you too, but in most cases after everything is said and down it came down to dumb luck or was just a coincidence, but these people have their moments too.  Just like I have my own moments where I fall below my own expectations, I have to admit.  If I were not to do that, I couldn’t take myself seriously when I run into these moments.  It’s one thing to think you are better than someone else.  It is quite another to really believe it.  And lastly, to know you are better than someone else really hits home sometimes.
Either way, to many times this past week I have bumped into this realization and honestly?  How annoyed would you be if you kept realizing how much more in tune, smarter, observant and in touch with reality you are compared to other people?

No bull, no bragging, not trying to have an ego.  It just seems to be one of those things, you know?  Think of me as Dr. Gregory House.  Extremely confident in the fact that when it comes to my mental abilities compared to another average person, I think I will come out on top almost every time.

It’s weird then, when I look at some of the things going on in my life right now and I appear to be in the loosing position.  I sometimes wonder if subconsciencly I make myself an underachiever on purpose - so I have to try that much harder to stay ahead or that I don’t completely blow the competition out of the water.

I would like very much one day to find someway to *really* test my mental aptitude, my ability to adapt and overcome, my reasoning and logic skills, and my insight into the human mind and what makes it tick.

Tomorrow though, I think I am just going to go into work and kick some ass!  I most certainly still have a LOT to learn at this job, I have been there just under a year and was honestly hoping I would know more than I do right now.  While I am disappointed I have not absorbed more knowledge, there really is a lot of information and I feel like I have taken in quite a lot.  I feel good also, since I am more of a person who can really shine when taking in information through data( reading books, notes, etc ) and the majority of information for this job is learned through doing, good ol hands on.  Not my personal choice, but that doesn’t really matter right?

I knew that going in, so I’m certainly not complaining about that fact.  I am complaining about myself though, I’m not sure if I have given 100% every day or not.  I always tend to hold myself back a little when entering new situations because I’m afraid I will annoy the wrong person, so I hold back some of my thoughts and slow myself down to stay with the pack and not stand out.  I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, or not even a thing but just something everyone does without even thinking about it?

Well I think about it, and honestly it bothers me.  It bothers me that I feel I have to hold myself back in fear of some sort of backlash or retaliation from another who doesn’t want to be shown up or simply have their complacent ways changed because that is just the way they are, which isn’t always a bad thing.  It bothers me more however, that while holding myself back I am not giving it my all and I could be doing so much more for my employer and maybe those very same people who are afraid of change or afraid of competition.

Fear not my Zeal; Fear how you Feel;

Don’t use Might; To prevent what’s Right;

Let us be One; Overcome we can;

All that Diminishes and Separates;

Feel my Zeal?  Feel the Fear?

Join with me; Together we can;

Overcome the Fear; As One.

Been a very long time since I scratched out anything that could closely resemble poetry…….I obviously still need practice!  LOL