14 Mar 2008
Ever feel dead inside?
It’s a feeling I find myself feeling more and more lately. I don’t know where I am going in life, what I am doing. I am floating in space with vast blackness all around me, feeling cold and alone. I have plenty of air to breathe, but each breath comes with more of a struggle than the last. I wish the last breath was it sometimes, I wish I would not take another. I want to force myself to not.
What am I doing? Where am I doing? Who am I? Is this everything I want in life? Is this all I want to amount to in this world? Have I achieved my greatest potential? Have I maxed out what I can learn? What have I left to offer this existence? Can I better myself? Can I be a better person?
I feel the last question is the only one I can answer. And that answer is no. But is that a good or a bad thing? I find myself making the decision that is always ultimately better for the other person than myself. I want to help people, genuinely and honestly. I don’t want people to suffer, even a total stranger and if I can do anything in my power to save them even a moments pain - I want to be able to do that! So why would I ask if that is a bad thing?
Well when it comes to defining myself and what I live by, it is the worst possible thing I can say about myself. I live to help others in every aspect of life. I always help them, but I never help me. As far as I am concerned, that is the best person I can be. Which means I have reached my potential in that regards. With the amount of empathy I have, that means I am unable to improve, unable to do any better. I have no reason to reach further because I have reached as far as I am able, as far as I feel anyone is able. I strive to become a better person and I did, so much in fact I can strive no further. I can not become better, I can not improve. I have a hard to accepting that. It makes me wander, lost with no direction at all, no purpose.
Yet I take another breath each time. I must have some purpose left, deep down I must known I have some goal yet filled. Something to live for. Breath for. Strive for?