My Existence

..things are changing, for the better so far I will write more when I know exactly what to say, but I can say this right now…past few days I have been happy.

I just posted a moment ago, but here is what I’m going to do.

I’m going to Email/IM/ICQ a link to my journal to all my “friends”.

If your reading this now, then *I* consider you a close and dear friend(even though I may not act that way sometimes) and it would really really mean a lot to me if you replied to this somehow. Email me if you must, IM me if you can…something..please. Hell, post a comment on this website(if you do say who you are) if you want.

This will be the first time I’ve ever asked for anything that matters from anyone reading this. The first. But if you are reading this you know damn well what I would do for you to help you if you ever needed it. I would do anything.

And all I’m asking for, at the very least, is you tell me I’m not alone in this world and I do in fact have friends who care.

…such an unattainable thing for me. No matter where I turn, it’s nowhere to be found, nowhere.

What happened to the times when I could get online and play DragonRealms with friends, enjoy myself, have some fun and be happy?

Or play some RTS games with other online friends and enjoy out thinking my opponents and having fun games?

Or the times I could pick up a book and almost lose myself in it thoroughly as I read it?

…

Now when I enter DragonRealms, I seem ignored..unimportant. No one *talks* to me anymore, and I was always a good listener..never judging..always helping. No one wants to do anything fun, no one wants to even do anything…I’m not even asked anymore. I feel like walking my character.

RTS games mean little to me anymore, everyone wants to WINWINWIN..it’s pathetic. Very few players who I played with a while back have fun in “fun games.” All they care about is winning as fast as possible, which for some of them can be under 5 minutes. That’s not fun, that’s simply the need to win.

Books… I just finished “Shadow of the Hegemon” by Orson Scott Card last night. I couldn’t imerse myself into it, become the character like I use too. Feel what they are feeling, think like they are thinking. Too much stuff on my mind to even understand half the stuff in the book now. Very annoying since I enjoy reading so much.

I still feel alone, am alone by the looks of it. I thought I had friends who cared about me. Who might at least tell me I’m not alone. Maybe I’m crying out for help so subtly, none of them can see it?

I’m so pissed off at this very moment, have been for 3 days straight now. And I don’t get mad or angry easily. Let alone pissed off.

I feel like hurting myself.

Subject is a saying from Babylon 5, television show I like to watch…and damn does it phrase up how I’m feeling at the moment quite nicely.

I message “friends”, ask how they are doing…and it seems like all of them are giving me casual conversation and nothing more.

Quite annoying since being alone is the one thing I really don’t like…unless of course its me forcing the loneliness upon myself, and that’s another story.

But right now…not a soul is talking with me. Sure people are talking TO me, but not with me. Only person to actually talk with me since I got back to Florida was the one I least expected too.

I’m not sure if that is because she knows I’m concerned about how she is feeling from the death of her horse, or she was just in a good mood or something.

Either way I enjoyed talking with her again, brief as it may have been…better than anyone else has managed…I just hope she knows I’m here for her if she ever needs to talk.

On a good note, about the only one I have to think about, is while in Florida I bought a few things for myself that I’m happy about, and know I will enjoy them.